THE PEEP WITHIN
Log, Stardate 4160.6:
A landing party has beamed down to PeEpsilon, the largest of Pe's
Experimental Earth Planetoids, where some peculiar mutations of the
livestock pose a risk not only to the colonists there, but on all dozen
worlds of the PEEP system. We have begun fauna collection for
analysis, but have no findings to report so far.
"That should make a good specimen." Kirk nodded as
plucked up a plump chick neatly flocking in a row of six. It sported
fluffy pink feathers, a pointed tail and a single horn protruded from
the middle of its forehead. It barely made a peep when
but seemed content to sit on its generous stomach and be cradled.
There was an ominous—though for a teaser, not entirely
unexpected—rumble in the distance. Kirk jogged off
camera focused squarely on his backside.
Looking like it was the first acting job he had ever landed, Technician
Pecker sat bloodied in a pile of rubble with yellow debris carefully
stuck onto his jumper in long streaks down the panels.
Showing alarmingly little concern and equally little deductive insight,
Kirk delivered his line. "What happened?" However,
struck a charming pose.
"I took a tumble into some kind of yellow goo." Pecker held
right hand in what one would think would be a most awkward position.
"Return to the ship. Report to sickbay."
So much for the first job. Kirk hated anyone else's
drama stealing his screen time.
"Yes sir." Pecker pulled out his communicator. "One
up." In a moment, he was gone. As it should be.
In the transporter room Scotty didn't like what he saw. "That
acted like a burnout." Due to the seriousness of the
he walked away from the components and stared at the wall.
"Seems all right now." Technician Wussie pushed some gizmos
around on the console.
"Just to be sure, better check the Proton-Electron Energy
That goo may ha'e caused a malfunction. Or tooth decay!"
"Yes sir." Wussie trotted off to get a tool. Or
"Captain Kirk ready to beam up." Scotty
swore. They could edit it out in
post-production--like usual. That
ass-shat always had
to elbow in wherever the camera was.
"Yes sir." Dutifully, he moved to the controls.
first, that was his motto, unless the captain's life was
involved. Regardless of what could be direly wrong with the
transporter—and, as always, taking pains to conceal his right
Kirk had never felt so virile, so utterly manly, so good. He virtually
leapt off the transporter pad. "Scotty!"
Scotty didn't like what he saw--that certain, indiscriminate twinkle in
Kirk's eye. That certain even more indiscriminate bulge
Hastily, Scotty backed up against a wall.
Kirk shrugged it off. There were plenty of fish on the
starship. Never one to be discouraged, Kirk bounded into the
corridor and, with some effort, nearly into Janice Rand. Oh, yes. Things
were looking up, indeed!
"Oh, Captain! You startled me." Janice peered
lashes nearly as long as his. She needed mascara, though; he
didn't. Ha! Kirk 1:
Using his body as a cage, Kirk trapped her against a bulkhead, oh so
carefully not touching her anywhere. "I think you'd better
me Jim," he intimated. He wiggled his pelvis just below the
camera lens and thusly out of the scope of the censors.
"Oh." The light dawned. Sometimes Janice was very
she had gone into space. And dyed her hair blonde.
gotten the boob job.
"But not here. It wouldn't be...proper." Kirk
looked her up
and down, in a way that was delightfully improper. "You don't
mind if I...come to your cabin later, do you Janice?"
Her ears pricked up. She knew it! All that chatter
about he and Spock had
to be bull peep. Poop.
"I'll bring the wine!" She almost gushed. Ten
week and three days on this rust bucket without any action aside from
Sulu's fuzzy mitten plant. Hell, she could have had a baby in
that time, and all she'd gotten was mitten-burn in an uncomfortable
location and a couple bouts of aphids. It seems that in one
the ironies of the century, the Captain's yeoman is considered
off-limits—most especially by this captain—up until
"Make it a small bottle," said Kirk. "I don't intend to leave
any free time for drinking, and I disapprove of waste." With
another shake of the pelvis that would have sent most 1967 censors to
the ICU, with chest pains Kirk let her go—for now.
All by itself, the transporter hummed into life. Slowly, a
man-sized glob quivered yellow, pink and purple to coagulate on the
pad. It took form and structure, even hair (well, a toupee),
command uniform, and boots. When it whirled around to face
empty room with its beady little black eyes, it looked almost normal
save for the puffy, pink belly sagging out from under the edge of the
gold shirt unable to constrain its girth.
It laughed a sort of sugary, goofy guffaw. "Peeeeeep!"
McCoy should have thought more of it, he supposed, but in his own
defense, he'd had his mind on Pecker's hand. Not that he
have minded a hand on his pecker, but that was a story for another
Or his pecker in the boy's... No, best no to go there either,
damn Hippocratic Oath and all.
"I said 'give me the candy!'" Kirk had burped (more peeped,
really). McCoy had just brushed it off and gone on with his
work. After all, it's not like the captain had tried to get
on the job or anything worth mentioning. It was kind of
though: Jim wasn't generally a bon-bons in mid-day kind of
So as an afterthought, he'd called Spock.
Couldn't hurt, he'd decided as he'd gone back to contemplating the
sweet, soft, comforting curves of Pecker's hand.
always...up for a reason to go to the captain's cabin. Alone.
"Is there something I can...do for you captain?" Spock looked
hopeful and the emphasis in that cadence could not have been
accidental. Nor the timing of Kirk having freshly emerged
the gym...avec sweat and sans shirt.
"Like what?" Jim batted those eyelids, stuck out that chest,
made as if to undo his pants. Chippendale 2269 could have
lesson and come out ahead. "Come on, Spock, I know
look." Kirk tossed his tone into the Mae West, "Come up and
me some time" contralto range.
Spock felt dizzy and sat down, trying to remember why he was
here. The worst part was that Kirk probably did know that
look. On his Earth, the birds, the bees... They had
chicks and peeps, right? But Vulcans did not speak of such
Spock cleared his throat. "Doctor McCoy said you
were acting like a wild man, demanded sugar."
"Sugar? In this body? Are you crazy?"
his abs and Spock had to rapidly readjust himself in his seat or risk
the parlous effects of the Vulcan Death Rod.
"Then if you will excuse me, captain, I have...things...to
do...elsewhere." Soon! Spock reached for every bit of his
biophyiological control, tugged his shirt as low as he could as he
could and stood.
Kirk looked smug and played with his towel some more as if working an
audience were part of command schooling—which it probably
"I'll tell McCoy you were properly...disturbed."
"Captain." Spock nodded and fled for the nearest
He locked the door behind him and gave thanks that Surak was currently
too dead to be observing his abysmal loss of, amongst other things,
"He denied it?" McCoy sounded incredulous. "Sugar
not, it's not like Jim to lie. Are you sure you heard him
right? Maybe you were so busy looking at his—"
"Scott to Mr. Spock. I'm in the transporter room. We've got a
"What is it, Mr. Scott?" Spock asked, the relief in his voice was
evident. A full scale Klingon invasion would have been a more
welcome topic of conversation than the previous.
"Is it the transporter?" McCoy jumped up to the comm unit,
voice frantic. "The temperature on that planet gets down to
below at night! What about the rest of the landing
He bounced from heels to toes and back again like a southern prima
donna on a Mountain Dew high.
"Ah, calm down doctor; that's easy. We sent shuttles for them
hour ago. Who do ya think writes these scripts?
Idiots? Still, I think you oughta see this for yourselves."
Reaction shots exchanged, Spock and McCoy dashed out the door towards
the transporter room.
We beamed up this animal." Scotty opened a crate where a
strutted and preened. Not so terribly unlike... (Well, that
the point and isn't very nice either, so we'll skip it.) "Then a few
minutes later, this duplicate beamed up." Scotty pointed into
cardboard box where a yellow marshmallow chick just sat there in all
its bloated glory and stared with beady eyes up through a cellophane
cover. "Except it's not a duplicate. It's some sort of puffy, sugary
"What if that should happen to a man?"
Ominous music played. Horrified, they exchanged significant
reaction shots. Spock and McCoy tore off down the corridor to
McCoy hit the medical override. The door slid open
light from the corridor spilled in to the darkened cabin to catch a
pair under the sheets going at it like Easter bunnies.
From his position spread-eagled on his back, Kirk saw them
He nudged Janice above him to let her know they had an audience.
Janice spat and spun, recognizing the interrupters. "Mr.
McCoy gaped. "Janice!"
"Bones!" Kirk waved them away
"Captain!" Spock sounded scandalized.
"Uhhhh!" Kirk's eyes rolled back. "Janice!"
"Mr. Spock!" McCoy tugged hard at Spock's arm.
"Janice—" Spock moved in with a predatory growl.
"Uhhhh!" Kirk's body relaxed. He gave a happy
Janice jumped up, her mascara smeared and yellow goo dripping from the
corner of her mouth. She wrapped a sheet around the
generous parts of herself toga style, thus instigating the idea for
"Who Mourns for Adonis" and giving Thesis the easiest paycheck he had
ever made. From the area of her legs, more gobs of
goo dripped onto the deck.
"Thank you Yeoman. You may go." Spock shot her the Vulcan
Rand sidled by with a victorious smirk.
"Slut," Spock hissed under his breath.
"Fag," She sneered back.
"T'Tramp!" Spock pulled her hair.
"Fairy!" Janice pulled his ear.
"Girls!" McCoy had turned on the light and stood pointing
the room. Under the other sheet, a lump snored in an
wheezy, peepy, stridor.
"I don't understand." Janice stared at the lump in
confusion. "When I met him in the corridor he
She made a compact gesture with her hands.
She dropped her head in despair. "I don't know. I
horny. I'd had wine. It was dark when I came
Maybe I overlooked some things—"
"It's been know to happen," McCoy soothed.
Spock strode over to the bunk and whipped the other bed sheet up and
off. Janice screamed and fell into a dead faint.
From the doorway, McCoy only caught as flash of something pink,
corpulent and fleshy jiggling to sit up before Spock blocked his
Spock looked from under the sheet to Jim's waking face, then to McCoy
at the door. "There is only one explanation: We
"What's happening to me?" Kirk reached a hand down to feel
himself, and then looked around, confused.
"As far as I can tell, you seem to be rapidly losing your sex
appeal." Spock turned away. Some things were too
for Vulcans to bear.
"Do you have a point, Mr. Spock?" McCoy asked as he helped
back to her feet, sneaking only the slightest professional peak under
her toga, just to make sure she didn't have any bruises...anywhere.
"Only putting my expert observations to good use. About
your...double, Captain: however different in temperament, this imposter
seems to have your knowledge of the ship. Where would you go
elude a mass search?"
"The galley." Kirk said immediately.
"Refrigerator. The big ones."
"No doubt," said Spock drolly. "Please get dressed.
dressed. We will begin on the engineering decks.
you like to organize search parties?"
Kirk shook his head. "Only you, Mr. Spock. I don't
anyone else to see me...vulnerable like this." His face
into pleading pain. His eyes reached out.
Spock glowed happily. His eyes reached back. Soft
"Oh, for the love of Pete!" Rand made a disgusted
noise and left in a huff.
It wasn't hard to track him down. He kept stopping to admire
himself in all the full length reflective surfaces. Peep!Kirk
him first and tried to fire, but his belly got in the way.
Fit!Kirk grinned and raised his weapon, but Spock was already behind
him—ready and poised for action—and took him down
"Good going, Spock!" Peep!Kirk tried unsuccessfully to pull
shirt down and trotted over to where Spock and the double
Peep!Kirk's face narrowed—as much as it could.
"Spock? Spock, not now. This isn't the time for
of business. Just take him to sickbay. And for God's sakes,
your hand off of his...thing. In a way that's my...thing
got there too."
Spock stood and tossed Fit!Kirk over his shoulder, with one hand on his
ass—just to stabilize him, of course. "If I seem
insensitive to what you are going through, Captain, please understand,
it's the way I am." He moved his palm to cover a
more of Kirk's ass cheek. It was--logical, better stability
Ah, but there was that pesky Vulcan Death Rod beating him in the groin
again. Spock wondered if he could apply for hazard pay for
"I think we'd better bind him." McCoy already had the
out. He kept them with the stirrups, the latex, the
the dilators, the blades, ...
Spock licked his lips. "Yes, bind him," he murmured under his
"All right." Peep!Kirk rummaged through the cabinet for
truffles. He liked the strawberry kind especially.
Fit!Kirk bucked and rocked against the bed making all manner of
"I don't want to take him back." Peep!Kirk mumbled with his mouth full
as he finished off the first box. "He's like a wild animal,
he doesn't even like chocolate!" Soul deep despair dripped
McCoy tried to be helpful. "It's not really cocky,
It's just human nature to like hard bodies. Without him you
wouldn't be the star. You couldn't."
"What do I have that he doesn't?" Kirk rummaged again. He was
only half listening to the psychological advice. Mostly he
chocolate. There should be some of those little candy covered
malted eggs from Altair IV....
"You have your charm and charisma."
"Ain't that the truth," Scotty interjected from somewhere off-screen.
"You'll have a certain appeal with viewers with body habitus issues."
"Will it get me more fan mail than him?" Peep!Kirk tossed his
head toward the Spock
"More than pointed ears and emotions begging to be nurtured?
Are you kidding? Do Denebian slime devils fly?"
"Not good enough. What else?"
"A multiple movie contract."
Peep!Kirk munched malted eggs and considered. "Hmm.
For how much?"
McCoy whispered in his ear.
"Not bad. Maybe I don't have to take him back."
"The other is the one with all the sex appeal." Spock spoke
across the room. "No curvaceous yeomen, no more green
more tinfoil bikinis, no more bed scenes on cloud cities.
now, on you'll be lucky if you are given an interlude with T'Pau over
coffee and stewed prunes."
The four looked at each other. That settled it.
Regardless of the danger, he had to take him back.
Peep!Kirk went to lift the imposter. His mallow arms quivered
gave way. Spock pushed him aside. "I'll do
licked his lips.
"Your hands, Spock! Watch the hands!" The other three all warned at
once as Spock went for a ...unique hold.
Spock sighed. Sometimes humans were more fun when
In the transporter room, Spock passed Fit!Kirk over. For a moment he
stood there with the two Kirks...pressed against the two Kirks....close
against the two Kirks. The music changed to sacchariny
Spock raised a hand to Kirk's face. "Captain, if this doesn't
"Understood, Mr. Spock, from the both of us." In close-up
soft-focus, the two Kirks shed a single tear.
Then Spock moved to the transporter console and energized the beam. The
Kirks disappeared, a single Kirk appeared, and then it was time for the
next episode...um well, after the trailer, that is.
"Captain, I regret to inform you that Yeoman Rand has requested a
transfer." Spock thrust the PADD in front of Jim's nose with
deal all signed, sealed and delivered but for captain's signature.
Kirk regarded him quizzically. "I wonder why?"
With a subtle movement, Spock nudged the PADD a micrometer
closer. "I believe she was unduly traumatized by the recent
"That's funny; she didn't seem traumatized." Jim scratched
his chin with his thumb.
"She was very, very traumatized."
"She asked for my phone number and cabin key."
"It was a delayed reaction. Trauma is like that
sometimes." Spock pressed the stylus into Jim's palm.
"She gave me this just a little while ago," Jim puzzled. He
pulled a red lace thong out from his sleeve. Based on the
the intended wearer was indeterminate.
Spock leaned down and forced a tense whisper. "Let me make
perfectly clear, sir: it's me or that skanky slut. This ship...and the
officers' bunks aboard her...are not big enough for the two of us."
Kirk looked up.
Spock straightened back to his most erect. "If you will
Vulcan, Captain." He reemphasized the signature line of the
with a fingertip.
Kirk took it and signed with his typical swishy flourish. He
paused as he passed it back, and crossed his legs for a most masculine
pose. "Spock, is there anything you want to tell me?"
Spock gave Jim his most enigmatically blank stare. "Not a peep,
Under his long lashes, Kirk shot back The Look: the one which had been
responsible for hundreds of surprisingly accurate alien baby headlines
across scores of newly-charted planets.
Spock dropped his eyes down to Kirk's...Easter basket.
I am gratified to hear that the intruder is back inside.
man is a most...satisfactory place to be. Don't you agree? "
Kirk leapt up from the command chair so fast he nearly ripped his
pants. He took the steps to the lift in a single bound. "Come
Mr. Spock. Let's go...mind the store."
Spock practically ran after him.