Alan's first (and last, to date) kiss was, of course when Alan was
still dressed as Shirley Schmidt-Ho and was driving Denny wild with
desire on [well-disguised] purpose.
"Just one kiss," Denny begged.
"Tell you what: I'll let you perform fellatio on me. 'An ardent genital
kiss,' says the Karma
Sutra, 'is the most loving gesture that a woman can bestow
upon a man.' Or vice versa in this particular situation."
"Don't be disgusting," Denny grunted. "I'm not having sex with you just
because you're Schmidttfaced. Just one kiss and let me call you 'my
iddybiddy love muffin.'"
Alan gave a sharp laugh. "It's not that easy, big fella. If you won't
tend to the cow, you can't expect to get the milk for free."
"I'll let you fly my Gulfstream," said Denny. "Think of it: pulling
back the stick between your legs and surging up and ahead at 450 knots.
There's nothing in the galaxy like that feeling."
Alan chewed on the thought. "Okay."
Denny wrapped arms around his waist, dipped him low, and kissed him.
Her. Whatever. It was a Fourth of July fireworks type kiss.
"You even taste a bit like Shirley," said Denny as he wiped his mouth,
rearranged his even more prominent...bump, and sank down in his chair
with his completely non-Freudian cigar. "But a little...fruitier.
Cherry? Maybe strawberry." He ran his tongue around his mouth and
"Close, but no cigar." Alan blew out a puff of smoke. "The nearest I've
been able to get to Shirley's 'surelies' is a deep whiff of her
underarm whilst being summarily directed from her office with a pointed
finger. Although I intend to continue trying. Whom you are no doubt
tasting is a delightful young lady named Felicity, who dances at the
Gold Rush Saloon--although she was free earlier tonight-- and shares my
appreciation for edible underwear."
"Felicity at the Gold Rush. I know her!" Denny ejaculated. "I had sex
with her mother. You don't think...?"
They looked at each other.
"Nah," they said in unison, and drew deep drags on their cigars.
"Denny?" said Alan.
"Next year, for the person you most admire party, you come as Shirley."
"Person you'd most admire: you'd come as me?" said Denny.
"Sleepover?" Denny looked askance.
Denny blew out a huge puff of smoke. "Okay."